A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
m’lady
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?