To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
That’s it.I’m out.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.