If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Who knew!
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Does beer think about me too?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me