Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi