HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing