7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I need a headline like this
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup