Love this guy
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I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.