@GrantTanaka: 7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like "hey dad, why don't you remember our names"
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@aveuaskew: " I made my famous dip for the office party" You're a regular Abe Lincoln. "But he wasn't a chef" Exactly
@Super_Cynthia: I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I'm scared, but my zipper is broken and I've had too much botox on one side.
@Bizarro_Mark: The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn't amused when I said, "I don't think it's working"
@The_JRM: Dentist: Do you use your dental floss? [cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly] Me: Everyday.