My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call