Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
new wife guy just dropped
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I unironically love this joke.