7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
had to make it
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Gods work.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”