Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?