@moose_chocolate: "7 minutes in heaven" but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
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@cee_ryan: My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for "best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??"
@AndrewNadeau0: HER: I think we should see other people. ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
@jonnysun: [at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] "only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"