@moose_chocolate: "7 minutes in heaven" but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
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@stephenjmolloy: [Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight] Attendant: "Is there a doctor on board?" Ian: "I'm a-" *gets dragged off the flight*
@ddsmidt: A lady posted her grandmother's brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
@JustDontBugMe: I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums. So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am