When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
You Might Also Like
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you