He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
You Might Also Like
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally