*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse