7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…