7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that