7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.