7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!