It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My dad.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing