I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Shark week, but for squirrels.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?