7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
You Might Also Like
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat