7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
You Might Also Like
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
🤣🤣🤣
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof