7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
See..?
.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.