7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Stonehinge
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.