7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Only Americans understand
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.