7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
You Might Also Like
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The struggle is real
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Yes my dude
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.