7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid: