Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.