I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”