[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool