You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
You Might Also Like
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
U talkin 2 me?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.