@anylaurie16: 7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, "Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."
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@SmithWit: Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.
@AndyRichter: My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we'll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.