*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.