@Birdhumms: 70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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@lildandeli0n: I'm pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.
@Loli_Sug: My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
@rolldiggity: A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he's naked.
@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.