70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
no one likes gloating
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.