-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you