70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
You Might Also Like
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.