@DamienFahey: 70% of the Earth's surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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@Gre_Gone: *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me
@IvoryGazelle: 8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up 28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
@YesImMatt: When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
@rdthought: Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day. Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.