70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
This is sending me to another galaxy
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood