Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅