Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
“what that mouth do?” complain
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
watergate? u mean a dam??
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4