*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
This kid will have a bright future.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’