im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.