700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//