7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?