71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
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Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
why no one uses midhusbands
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.