71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.