I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
hackers play passwordle
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.