I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.