[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.