Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?