I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired